THIS IS ME
Here, I share my journey with you to inspire you to follow your dreams, the calling of your soul,what lights up your heart.
I was a fortunate little girl born to two loving and doting parents who, when I was 16 months old,gifted me with a precious little sister.
Money was scarce but there was love in abundance. I count myself lucky to have had such loving and supportive parents. Yet even with their love I still developed the limiting beliefs that have shaped the majority of my adult life. Fundamentally I believed I was wrong. It was wrong to want what I desired. It was wrong to be myself.
I was a free-spirited little girl turned worrier (later turned warrior!). I’m not sure when I became a worrier but the pressures I’d put on myself to be successful, especially academically and ultimately in my career, had a big impact.
My love of art and nature was nurtured by my mother. My passion and talent for drawing,painting, creative writing and music was very much encouraged by both parents. Education was highly valued in my family. My parents made huge financial sacrifices to enable us to have a private primary education and not attend the local failing state school. This was important to both of my parents as they had experienced unsupportive schooling as children and it was theirdesire for my sister and I to have a positive learning experience that they hadn’t received growing up.
Family holidays were very rare. Though my father often worked six or seven days a week, he always made it a priority to attend events that were important to me such as school, music performances and sports matches.
I knew I was valued.
I knew I was important.
I knew I was loved.
I also unconsciously began to develop the belief that I must excel to be deserving of such love.And so I strove to do well at everything.
This became the stick with which I would beat myself up my entire life.
I desired deeply to be ‘successful’. By that I mean that I needed to get a “good job” (one that pays you lots of money, could be rewarding but not necessarily my passion). I wanted to be able to help my parents financially to thank them for investing in me. The pressure was on to get a well paid job and climb the ladder of success.
That pressure came from me. And that pressure had consequences.
During my Biology A-level mock exams I suffered a major panic attack. I barely knew how to write my name on the exam paper. The rest was a blur. But that terrifying experience led to my introduction to the importance of relaxation and the power of the mind via hypnotherapy sparking a lifelong interest in how our brains work.
With this interest and the belief that I couldn’t get that “good job” by pursuing art, I declined my unconditional Art School offer to study Neuroscience BSc.
I realise now that I had always been searching for the meaning of life and I thought science had the answers. It was during the final year of my degree when one came to me: Neuroplasticity. For me, knowing that the brain had the potential to rewire itself throughout life was all I/we really needed to know to acknowledge our own infinite potential.
Art remained a hobby but mostly I spent a great deal of time and effort denying myself the desire to create as I pursued more ‘important’ things like study, working and yes, a lot of partying!
All that striving for success and partying came to an end with the sudden and horrific death of my father shortly before I started an MSc. I was just 22 yrs old but that tragedy was the catalyst that changed the trajectory of my life though it took many years to realise it. Before that realisation, I first had to face my dark night of the soul and begin to process grief, shock and trauma.
My world shattered beneath me the day he died but I somehow knew I had been given a gift; an opportunity to rebuild my life based on solid foundations of truth, integrity, worthiness and joy.At the time, I couldn’t imagine how I was going to make it through each day never mind be able to enjoy life and thrive. But I decided that somehow, out of those shattered ruins, I was going to create a life of meaning, one that I love and that is of service to others.
I turned to my belief in human potential and threw myself into personal and spiritual development worlds to rebuild a life based on my true values, dreams and desires.
I discovered and dedicated myself to early morning practises of meditation and yoga. For the first time I began to exert some control over my emotions. I felt empowered. I felt better. And yet I also began to feel numb.
Little did I realise I had fallen into the trap of using these practises to bypass my pain. I have since learnt how to use them and other tools to integrate and express all my emotions,especially the painful ones.
My lifetime desire to be the best I could be started to take on a new meaning; it would be focused on becoming the best version of me.
But it was a bumpy journey through my 20s and 30s sifting through what I DIDN’T want trying to figure out what I DID want.
It was also a time of mixed emotions and challenges: grief, processing trauma, unfulfilling jobs,travel, later marriage, motherhood, followed by huge financial challenges some of which culminated in a heap of unacknowledged depression, unworthiness, fear and shame that I hid from myself and the world. It was meditation and my inner belief that somehow there was more for me and that I would figure it all out, that helped me to buffer the difficult times.
I knew I had so much to give. I knew there wasn’t a job description for me. I knew I would have to create my own. But what? I still didn’t dare admit to myself that my dream was to be an artist.
In 2005 my son was born. To fulfil my desire to stay at home with him and not return to my London commute, I became a childminder. In 2009 my daughter arrived.
Through my experience as a parent, I thought I had found my calling when in 2011 I trained as a Relax Kids Coach. I did this to support my own challenging, high energy son and because I passionately believed that children needed to experience the many benefits of mindfulness and meditation to become fully rounded adults. Then in 2012 I trained as a professional face-painter and fell in love with creativity all over again!
By 2014 I knew I needed to do something radical. I stretched myself far beyond my financial means to work with a personal transformational coach who took me on a deep journey of growth to loving myself unconditionally.
I tried to get going as a Relax Kids Coach until I finally acknowledged to myself that whilst I passionately believe in the concept, it wasn’t what I wanted to do. This was a difficult admission but oh so freeing!
Painting is and always had been my deepest desire. And I knew then that I must pursue my dream.
Finally at the start of 2016 I declared that I wanted to live and work as the artist. At first I focused entirely on face painting and then I began the return to painting and creating art.
I love face painting and I take great pleasure in the joy it brings to the people of all ages whose faces I transform. And yet I knew there was more creativity in me as well as the deep desire to serve and empower others, especially other women. But I didn’t know what this looked like or how to start. I had dabbled with the coaching world over the years but then met my mentor Vanessa Jane. Together we identified that I could be a Creative Guide as well as an Artist!
This discovery has has enabled me to embrace a whole new creative adventure that is both my passion and, I hope, will one day be my legacy.
Now I lead women on their own creative and spiritual adventure, an exploration of their souls. I share with them my painting process which is accessible, healing, transformative and demonstrates that we have infinite wells of inspiration and creativity within us. My intention for all of my work is to inspire and guide people back to the power within themselves.
Creativity is a safe and gentle way to access that power, to play and experiment with ideas, to express our emotions and to learn from our mistakes. It requires us to get out of the thoughts in our minds and into the feelings in our bodies. Here we feel more present, more alive, more our true selves. Learning to access your own creativity is empowering and enlightening. I want to you to know and experience your own magnificence!
The act of buying a painting-listening to your body and your desire to say yes to something you feel deeply connected to is a gentle way to learn to trust and value the importance of pleasure.Commissioning a painting is a powerful collaborative process that can help you manifest your desires and receive infinite wisdom to guide and inspire your path.
So this is where my journey really begins. This is me! Finally, in my 40s, I have come home to myself. I’m full of ideas and desires to express and birth in to the world that are in total alignment with who I am and what feels good. I know that this is the path to the true success and fulfilment that I have always wanted.I know that I get to choose. I also know that this is possible for anyone and hope that by sharing my journey you will be inspired to reclaim yours.
I’m here, thankful for and believing in, you.