There must be something wrong with me.
This is an old belief that came up for me the other day when I was in a situation whereby I felt a need to defend my integrity.
Outwardly of course I smiled, I stood in my power and said all the right things to explain (defend) my position in a calm manner.
What a wonderful example of emotional maturity I am!
Only that the encounter plagued me the rest of my evening and was even my first waking thought the next morning.
My logical mind (and my ego for that matter) knows exactly what I SHOULD think about it. “Forget it, it’s done. Fuck ‘em! You were in the right. You ARE right! Learn from it. Accept your role in it and see what you could do differently next time” etc etc….
The thing was I COULDN’T LET IT GO.
I had this niggling feeling that somehow it was all my fault. That I should have handled it differently even prevented it…..
There must be something wrong with ME.
Inside a part of me wanted to say “FUCK YOU!!! How dare YOU judge me! You dare you tell me what to do! Who the fuck do you think you are!”
An EXTREME response for a relatively trivial event!
As I said I didn’t let it show and I wouldn’t have wanted to either.
I do not tolerate aggressive behaviour towards others or vandalism and I believe it is imperative that we all learn the skills necessary to prevent us from expressing our emotions in negative ways.
However IT IS EQUALLY NECESSARY that we EXPRESS our emotions in POSITIVE ways.
My internal anger was merely trying to protect me from feeling as though there is something wrong with me, an old belief that I thought I had kicked into touch.
But as with habits, changing beliefs requires regular and continued practise and this is why it came back to haunt me…
I hadn’t practised what I preach.
I didn’t actually make space to fully EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS around the encounter.
With this awareness I then allowed myself to FEEL and EXPRESS…..
I was ANGRY.
I was HURT.
I wanted to cry but the frustration was blocking me.
So I allowed myself to GET VERY ANGRY verbally and physically in safe an healthy ways.
AND BOY DID THAT FEEL GOOOOOOD!!
The RELEASE brought PEACE!
It may seem immature.
It may seem counter-intuitive to bringing peace.
It may even seem pointless after the event.
BUT it was LIBERATING! In every sense of the word.
In just a few MINUTES those niggling feelings and thoughts were GONE. My state had shifted.
By consciously choosing to FEEL my so called ‘negative’ emotions I was actually able to RELEASE them from my body, from my mind.
The shift is subtle yet profound and simply CANNOT be achieved by THINKING alone.
I was then RECEPTIVE to accept logic and supportive thoughts to help reaffirm my new belief that there is NOTHING wrong with me.
The golden nugget illustrated to myself so beautifully from this whole episode is this:
FEELING YOUR EMOTIONS IS FUNDAMENTAL TO HEALING AND TRANSFORMING THEM.
Revolutionary I know!
But actually so few of us actually do.
We want to MAKE THEM STOP. We want the TO GO AWAY. We even FEAR THEM! Then FEAR the FEAR itself!
You see how it goes on and on….
We need MOVE THROUGH THEM.
It is time we were all OK with NOT BEING OK.
It is time we acknowledge that we all have these feelings whether we SHOW THEM OR NOT.
It is time we acknowledge we ALL have a Dark Side and it is a very valid part of us. To deny it is to suppress our emotions.
It is time we let it have its voice in SAFE and HEALTHY ways.
It is time to LOVE ALL PARTS OF OURSELVES.
It is time we acknowledge their importance in our healing and transformation.
I am taking a stand for our emotions.
You are entitled to FEEL.
You are entitled to HEAL.
You are entitled to BE FULLY YOU and LIVE OUT YOUR BEST LIFE.
If we made it OK for us to express our emotions, our lives would change.
If we made it OK for everyone to express their emotions, the world would change.
Lets make it OK.
PS If you have suffered emotional trauma in the past and are READY to MOVE FORWARD then join The Dark Side Revolution (Private FB Group) – a safe and supportive space for WOMEN to express and release their overwhelming emotions and limiting beliefs.
****** STARTING SOON…….******
MY new FREE 5 day ‘HAVE IT ALL CHALLENGE – Moving from trauma to transformation’ starts MON 20th JUNE join the group to sign up NOW! I look forward to welcoming you on the other (dark) side. x