There is an unfinished blog post sitting on my computer.
I have just realised its a been a week since I started to write it.
This is NOT a good sign. It means I am judging myself, second-guessing my truth, fearing judgement of others, etc.
What I had thought I had been feeling is confused, lost and frustrated but these are the surface layer thoughts and emotions covering up the REAL ones…….
The ones I have stuffed inside and am trying desperately to keep the lid on.
The ones I don’t want to admit to myself or let anyone else see like anger, rage, anxiety, fear and grief.
The ones that tell me I am TOTAL FAILURE.
The ones that tell me I WON’T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, that my DREAMS WILL REMAIN JUST DREAMS.
The ones the tell me THAT I AM PATHETIC, THAT I AM JUST NOT AND NEVER WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH.
The ones that tell me I AM NOT WORTHY.
That’s why I haven’t finished it. It’s too HONEST, too PAINFUL. How can I admit that that’s what I REALLY believe DEEP DOWN? That I am an Emotional Mess. Wasn’t I DONE with all of that?
I want to ask myself WHY do I feel that way?
But I know the reasons why, I am very aware of my limiting beliefs and childhood conditioning.
The thing I have just realised is that I have been living with ANXIETY for as long as I can remember and I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD IT!! I had found some very effective ways to cope with those feelings and turn them into confidence, or achievement or striving and pushing so I wasn’t even aware of them! When these led to burnout I learnt some very effective ways to care for my physical and mental wellbeing, further masking my anxious feelings.
So in light of this awareness I am deepening my healing. I am taking care of my EMOTIONAL wellbeing by honouring my feelings and NOT JUDGING them.
I can feel how I feel, whether they are uncomfortable and unwanted or not.
I am learning to STAY with my emotions. Pushing past, problem-solving and rationalising as I have always done has only DENIED them, COMPOUNDING the underlying thoughts and feelings and the SENSE OF ISOLATION.
Choosing to go with and feel these emotions is HARD but it is also a RELEASE.
The tears AND the internal crumbling is scary and embarrassing to admit to myself and the world. Me? The one who declared she is on her own mission of permission (remember that?!). It feels as though I have forgotten it all, or lost it all or fallen of the wagon or something.
That’s scary and frustrating if I THINK about it. But I am not going to think about it. I am not going to think myself OUT OF IT either.
I AM FEELING IT.
Right here, right now, feeling my feelings….
Letting them out through the TEARS, though the RESISTANCE, through the JUDGEMENT, through the FEARS, through the FRUSTRATION.
I CAN feel crap. I CAN feel depressed. I CAN feel anxious. I CAN feel angry. I CAN feel sad. I CAN feel all the feelings I would rather NOT FEEL and STILL. BE. OK.
In fact I am better than OK because in doing so I feel a sense of RELEASE from them. The mental and emotional exhaustion I have been feeling inside is from trying to keep the lid on on these feelings.
So what if I feel DEPRESSED? So what if I FEEL ANXIOUS? So what if FEEL GRIEF? So what if I feel ANGRY?
I am NOT my emotions. They do not define me. They ARE VALID, they are REAL but they will PASS if I just let them be.
Acknowledging my true feelings has actually done more to SHIFT them in a matter of minutes than a whole week of unconscious denial and ‘carrying on’ and ‘pushing through’!
Once again I need to remind myself: FEEL FIRST. When will I learn?!
I know that actually feeling overwhelming emotions is easier said than done so we need to equip ourselves with tools and seek support.
To create a life we love, to follow our purpose, to step out of comfort zones and take massive action we need to RELEASE our emotions that will otherwise stop us.
We are feeling creatures. WE NEED TO FEEL! Until we learn to do this, our FEELINGS will always be in CHARGE.
When we FEEL our emotions, they LOOSE their power.
By EXPRESSING our feelings in safe and healthy ways WE ARE IN CHARGE, not by trying to CHANGE our emotions to POSITIVE ONES but by RELEASING them.
Once we have released our overwhelming emotions we genuinely actually FEEL BETTER! It takes less energy and effort to feel than it does to AVOID our FEELINGS.
So I am taking a stand for my emotions! They deserve to be heard. They deserve to be acknowledged. They deserve to be expressed.
I am taking a stand for YOUR emotions! They deserve to be heard. They deserve to be acknowledged. They deserved to be expressed.
The world needs Emotional Masters. People who are willing to actually FEEL their emotions and ALLOW space for OTHERS to do the same. People who are prepared to stop themselves from trying to fix, suppress or ignore their emotions and just let them be.
Let us support ourselves and each other to have the COURAGE to fully experience our EMOTIONS so that they can be HEALED and WE CAN REACH OUR FULL POTENTIAL.
We can master our ‘mess’ together!
PS If you want to become an Emotional Master JOIN The Dark Side Revolution (Private FB Group) – a safe and supportive group for women to express and release their overwhelming emotions and limiting beliefs. Equipped with skills and support we can boldly go where we may not choose to alone!
I am thinking of creating a training programme on “MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS TO HEAL YOUR PAST AND ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS”. Let me know in the comments if you want me to create this. x